Infertility Etiquette

More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility; this no doubt means you or someone you know has been affected by infertility. Even though a huge number of Americans are affected, as a whole we are uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

The pain of infertility is a recurring pain similar to the pain stemming from the grief of losing a loved one. Although when a loved one dies he or she isn’t coming back and so we can move through the stages of grief, eventually accepting and moving on with our lives. The grief of infertility is not so simple. Infertile people grieve the loss of the child they may never know. They grieve the loss of that child who would have had mommy's eyes and daddy's hair. It is the hope that really gets these couples. Each month there is the hope that a child will be conceived, but if they are still unsuccessful no matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that next month will be different. This happens month after month, year after year depending on the success of treatment.

Here is a lesson on ‘Infertility Etiquette’ from real couples who experienced this pain to better help us be more understanding and supportive of those struggling with infertility…

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on vacation" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same manner, being able to sleep late does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Be Crude

Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. When you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to anyone else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's hair and Mommy's eyes.

Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law. Be sure to recognize those of your friends who are infertile will a simple gesture of support.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby that will never be. Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Compassion for Friends Fighting Fertility in Baton Rouge

When someone we love is battling the challenges of infertility, it is always a delicate situation.  As a friend, you certainly want to support them.  But, often times, it is difficult to come up with the right things to say.  We are also scared or fearful that we may say the wrong things. When it comes to showing compassion for friends fighting fertility in Baton Rouge, it may not just be in what is or isn't said.

Infertility is a painful struggle.   As described on the website, resolve.org, infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.  And as they continue to try, each month there is a glimmer of hope that stays alive, no matter how much one prepares to receive the bad news.

This bad news will bring on feelings of anger, confusion, and depression.  And, as a friend, you wish you could wipe those feelings away for your loved ones.  It always creates a complex situation where the couple is feeling helpless and out of control.  And you just don’t know what to do for them.

One of the great ways to show your support for your struggling friends is through actions.  The old saying of “actions speak louder than words” is never more accurate than in these circumstances.  As a friend, small gestures like cooking a meal, taking the house chores away from them, picking up clothes at the cleaners, etc. are all small actions that go a long way.  Any small act of kindness, that may not seem so special at the time, may be something that will always be remembered by your friends.

During these challenging and emotional times for your friends, it may not be what you say that is important.  It may be more memorable for you to take on an act of kindness for your friends.  This small gesture will be remembered for a very long time.

A Woman’s Center for Reproductive Medicine

Infertility Couples Baton Rouge

When taking the vows at the alters, one wonders what life challenges will be faced by a newly married couple. But, most never imagine that some of their toughest challenges may come with fertility challenges.

An inability to conceive can be the first crisis that many couples face together. Like most unexpected trials in life, the hurdles that couples face when faced with infertility can weigh heavily on even the strongest relationships. However, in due time, life challenges always teach us so much about ourselves.  And one thing we learn really quickly is that every predicament produces opportunity.  Once the choice is made to embrace the encounters presented to you as a couple, your bond as a married couple will become unbreakable.

When it comes to fertility matters, women and men handle the situation completely different. Men tend to focus on trying to "fix" the situation, and women immediately become focused on producing a baby. 

As with most things in life, the coping mechanisms also tend to be different between men and women. As the complications of infertility increase over time, the woman tends to develop feelings of anger, guilt, and despair.  And the longer the couple faces these real challenges, the more these feelings start to escalate.  And the husband will automatically try to "fix" the situation.  As the situation escalates, the husband and wife both develop feelings of loss and inadequacy.  The wife looks to the husband for support, but at this point, the husband has started to withdraw. This situation becomes far too common. 

So, how do couples prevent this from escalating to the point of no return? First of all, the aforementioned situation is extremely common and natural.  So, an attempt to avoid these feelings altogether may be a bit unnatural. So, to a certain degree, these feelings do need to be expressed. 

Having said this, a very smart approach is for a couple to establish that they are in this together. In another words, this is a shared crisis. These issues naturally occur in a marriage, and the birth of a child is not going to make them disappear.  So, the key is to recognize a fertility challenge as a relationship issue as well as a medical one.

By taking this step of unity as a couple, the road ahead will be just a little more manageable. And when faced with fertility issues, every little step helps.  

A Woman's Center For Reproductive Medicine

Welcome to the blog for A Woman’s Center For Reproductive Medicine.  With this week being National Infertility Awareness week, we could not think of a more appropriate time to launch our blog.  Our hope and goal with this platform will be to communicate important information related to infertility.  Ultimately, we hope it may connect families who are challenged and faced with similar situation.

Creating awareness for infertility is one of the first steps in education.  For this blog, we hope that we may educate and create awareness for the disease of infertility.  Our first step is simply to educate our readers on the background of National Infertility Awareness Week.  The National Infertility Association, Resolve, started National Infertility Awareness Week in 1989.  According to Resolve.org, some of the basics of National Infertility Awareness week are:

NationalInfertility Awareness Week® (NIAW) is a movement that began in 1989. The goal of NIAW is to raise awareness about the disease of infertility and encourage the public to understand their reproductive health.

RESOLVE: TheNational Infertility Association founded this movement and continues to work with the professional family building community, corporate partners, and the media to:

1.      ensure that people trying to conceive know the guidelines for seeing a specialist when they are trying to conceive.

2.     enhance public understanding that infertility is a disease that needs and deserves attention.

3.     educate legislators about the disease of infertility and how it impacts people in their state.

In 2010 National Infertility Awareness Week became a federally recognized health observance by the Department of Health and Human Services.

For Infertility in Baton Rouge, Louisiana and the Southern Region, we hope that our blog will become a valuable resource to you or someone you know.  Please feel free to give us your feedback or to pass our message along to someone you know.